A sort of revival

When I feel like shit. Just absolutely down and out...I make sure no one can find me in such a mood.
You see I'm practicing. When I'm older I'll have to put on a brave face through everything...and so I confide in the anonymity of the internet to have something to talk to.
Everyone else is gone right now.
Everyone has their own problems to deal with, it's no one's responsibility to make you feel better. That's something we have to do on our own.

One thing I hate? Best friends, why does there need to be a single person you claim to love and trust completely? It's such bullshit, especially when you change Best Friends every fucking month.
I don't think I have a best friend, don't think I will. I have old friends, sure. And yeah I'll say that they're my Best Friend so as to not hurt their feelings. But by my definition, no, I haven't got a best friend.

2:04 AM - 6/24/11

Do I need a god?
Maybe.
I feel as if my faith is lacking, I mean I stopped believing in God a couple of years back and since then I haven't really put much though into it...
Sometimes I even feel dumb and ignorant saying that I've no religion. Like i'm just another one of those "edgy" teens being rebellious. But I'm really really not!
I've just never felt the need to believe in a higher power that unites us all. I just believe that we control our lives and we cross paths with the other people in this world until that day that we are no longer.
Of course looking at things this way means that the obvious choice is to live life to it's fullest right now because there's nothing after it...a state of mind I'm sure millions of people subscribe to.
There's nothing original anymore and that fucking sucks
There's millions of things in this world that cause you pain.
There's a part inside all of us that drives us to do bad things.
There are many people in your life that will hurt you.
There are many things in your life that will hold you down.
There are dreams you will never accomplish.
There are lies upon lies that you will tell.
There are regrets you'll live with for the rest of your life.

Isn't life wonderful?

hello...

Ah. Hello blogger...my old friend. I know I can always come to you if I seek companionship, someone to talk to. You're always there for me. "You know just what to say....And you know just what to do" the cold lifeless glare of the computer screen reaches into my soul and brings out these things that I could never say to anyone else.
God I really am a freak...but I really love that Lionel Richie song. I just felt inspired and it was in the moment y'know? Of course you do

"Are you out there feeling lonely? Or is someone loving you?" YES, YOU SHOULD READ INTO THIS QUOTE. THERE IS A REAL LIFE CONNECTION FOR THIS QUOTE. AND YEAH I'M TALKING TO YOU, READER. THE ONLY READER OF THIS SAD LITTLE BLOG.

OH WHAT THE FUCK? This blind girl in the "Hello" video made a sculpture of Lionel Richie. What the actual fuck? How? Why? So many questions.
The sentiment and symbolism of these 80's music videos is completely lost on me.
But anyways back to my bad day: I woke up at 5 this morning, I was going to go for a bike ride (I'm making that part of my daily routine this summer) but it was storming and whatnot so I waited for a while till the rain let up. When I went out it was all cloudy and gloomy and pretty miserable. So after 30 minutes I went back home. We'll try again tomorrow.
After that I sat around for a couple of hours, watched Glee on my computer for a long long long time (This was actually very enjoyable). Some "friends" and I had planned to go hang out but it turned out to be a whole mess of "Oh, I can't go sorry" and all that garbage.
THEN I decided to play some guitar and for an hour or so I tried in vain to play something good or sing a song. But sadly I can't sing, I feel like I lost all inspiration i.e. I'm not moved to sing about anything at all. Well I do want to sing but when I do it just sounds bad...SAD FACE.
I've got way too much on my mind :/
I wanna leave.
Just go somewhere.
Anywhere but here.
I hate the smell of my hands after playing guitar, metal...it's disgusting. I used to love it though.
What did I lose? It's like something fell out of my head and now I'm a fucking angst ridden teenager
None of this is actually important. I could just highlight all of it and delete it all. Should I do it? No?
I won't.
I don't want to talk to my friends anymore :/ I don't really want to talk to anyone anymore.

Just watch: tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and feel perfectly fine again.

Being sad is for children.
Posting things like these on the internet is sad and immature.

I'm done with this post, there never really was a point behind me writing this. Just posting for the sake of posting. I swear I started writing with good intentions though! Things just took a bad turn and I ended up sounding like the kind of person I hate to be.

oh btw

For the record, I don't think about you as much as it seems that I do. What with all the posts concerning you on this blog. The only reason you come up so much is because when I write here, I tend to get into a certain mindset and in that mindset, I think about you. It might be weird but don't worry about it, I'm not crazy :)

random procrastination banter

So my dad misses my mom. Whenever I'm in the car with him he'll occasionally pop in a CD of some Hispanic artist singing about missing some girl, or maybe about how he was wronged.
What must it be to live like that? He plays these songs in his car and sings along with so much emotion, I actually feel it. But then he just goes back to asking random questions and occasionally being a douche.
Like being hurt and living in the past is just another part of the day he has to go through. That's gotta suck, but sometimes it feels like things are ripped away from you and for him, well essentially it was a family.

I'll never end up like that. I'm gonna find a nice lady that gets me, and that cares about me as much as I do about her, and we'll have children that I'll love and put before everything. I won't leave them behind and I won't disapprove of their actions, i'll let them be themselves y'know?

But how far in the future is that? 20 years? Probably, i've still got so much to experience and don't get me wrong I'm really looking forward to all that, but sometimes...just sometimes, I want to skip ahead to a time when everything's been done and I've lived a full life. A time when I can reminisce about the crazy days of my youth. Boy, I've got a long way to go...I'm not letting myself down.

Cause In essence the only person i'm out here to satisfy is me. If I'm good enough for others well that's fine and dandy, but if I'm not good enough for myself...well then that's definitely a problem.
I've got such high standards for myself though, it's gonna be tough.

Don't Worry About It

So until further notice I've quarantined the part of my mind that's in charge of romance. So unless you're Special K, don't worry about me trying to start something with you. My summer is going to be filled with friends and good times! I'll be hanging out with my Elgin High School friends, we're gonna be Mexican this summer!!

AND NO, I will not be worrying about fickle matters of the heart cause there's waaaay to much to worry about other than these silly things. Like I have to get a leg up on this whole Newspaper business! STILL HAVEN'T FOUND A SPONSOR...Probably cause I haven't asked anyone after being flat out rejected by Slwaski ;__:
What if everyone says no? What if everyone's too busy? I mean this is what I want to do with my life! I need to get a start somehow! If not now, then when? I'm scared man. I really am. Junior year, i've got how many AP/Honors classes lined up? All of them? What if I don't come through? I'll be letting myself down, there's just so much riding on this year...If I fail I'm fucked...So pessimistic right now

But let's try and bring it back to a more positive note...umm I haven't talked to Special K in a while. Ugh I feel so weird thinking about her cause I know that i'm overreacting and pulling a Carlos -__- What did I do wrong though? I know it's my fault, I just don't know what I did. Headass.

But umm, the other day I heard this cool song on the internet, it's nice and cheery. Kinda what I need to listen to and pump through my brains, just glazing over that dark corner where I threw all my doubts and insecurities. Ignorance is Bliss my friends.
P.S. I'm only posting this because I feel like I haven't posted in a while, so I'm doing that. Oh and because I know no one's reading this anymore.

Special K

If I had to describe you, what would I say?

Awesome

Intelligent

Gorgeous

Pretty damn great.

Is it offensive when the first thing that people point out is your beauty? Like that's the only thing they see? But then again, our physical appearances are what attract others initially. Like if I had to be honest, if the most perfect girl ever was sitting across from me ready to be engaged in conversation but she was fugly, there's no way I'd talk to her.

Anyways, back to you! I thoroughly enjoy talking to you, and being around you like I could talk to you for hours. Have you ever taken the time to ask yourself if you could spend six hours in a closet with someone and not be bored to death? I've asked myself that about you and I've come to the conclusion that, yeah I could spend six hours in a closet with you, there's a lot we would talk about. Just fyi, there aren't many people I can say that about, sooooo you know "special" ;)

You know what? I think we need to be locked in a closet for six hours, cause there's just a lot I wanna talk to you about. I mean like you. I want to get to know you, and I want to tell you about me (SOUNDS REEEEALLY CHEESY AND KINDA WEIRD, I REALIZE THIS) 

Is it presumptuous to think that you would accept to talk to me for six hours? Like maybe whenever I talk to you all you want to do is tell me to shut up and go away...that would suck...well I really hope you legitimately enjoy talking to me, I enjoy talking to you.

Remember that one time at lunch when you were all like "What if I ate like this?" and then ate all weird? Yeah that was really cute. 

OH! and i'm totally not a Beatles guy, cause that's laaaaaame! 

You know what I wanna do? I want to listen to the Antlers with you (god I sound like a creep right about now...) The Antlers are like this amazing band that makes music that's just so beautiful it's ridiculous.

But yeah we should do that sometime. You know what else we should do? We should play the guitar together and sing a song together, that'd be pretty cool. Did you know that I love to sing now? Like if you had asked me to sing a song like a couple of months ago I would've been all like "naaaah" but now, I just wanna walk around with a guitar and sing about things I see, like I'd narrate my own day through song...actually that sounds like a good idea. 

Umm what was I going to say, oh yeah! My life is embarrassing! Maybe a couple months ago I'd be really embarrassed by my life, but now...well yeah it's embarrassing, but y'kow...it's my life!

I don't know if this is what you expected when you told me to write about you, but if it isn't, well I'll just try again another time. I mean after all you are the only person reading this blog!